So there is this boy...........

 There is this by who stole my heart 23 years ago and he calls me mom. Jay was 21, (then a brand new AIC in the military) and I was 19 years old when God gave us one of the greatest gifts one could ask for.  He gave me the privilege of being a mom of this amazing boy.  At 9:03 am on February 12th, 1993 a baby boy was born and we called him Hunter. That day the first chapter of his book of life was beginning.  He was born two days early. Yep that is right he was due on Valentines Day. He was very sick and almost did not make it.  He was born with group b strep which is very dangerous for newborns.  There was a angel that literally saved his life.  I will never forget her name...Lt Col Carpenter. She was the pediatrician on call that day.  Thankfully she has just seen a case of it not to long before and knew all the signs when he was born.  She started treatments immediately that literally saved that sweet babies life. After a few hours at the hospital he then went to the NICU  across town for two weeks to receive the antibiotic treatment that would make him better again.  We were only able to see him twice a day for 15 minutes at a time.   I was only 19 but I knew someone had to fight on his behalf.  This nurses in the nicu spoiled that boy because he was one of the few that wasn't as fragile like so many others in there.  They would carry him, rock him and just plain spoil him.  I am so grateful for them because they filled in when I could not be there.  I remember praying and pleading with God if you will let him live I will do everything in my power for this kid and he gave him a spirit to fight.  After two weeks he was healthy enough that we could bring him home.  We thought that would be the end of it for a bit but then shortly after we brought him home he got his first ear infection.  Jay and I made a decision together for me to stay home him with Hunter.  Over the years with how sick he was I am so thankful we did because I would not have been able to take that time off from work.  When he was younger there were times when Jay worked two jobs. His military job and a paper route, or a pizza route and went to school part time to get his degree.  We did whatever it took so that I could stay home to raise this sweet boy.   Fast forward to 2004, there had been nine surgeries.  Five sets of tubes, two adenoidectomies, tonsils removed, and dead sinus tissue removal and food allergies this 11 year old boy had finally outgrown just about all of it.  They removed his final tubes at age 11.  He was doing things that summer most kids take for granted, swimming, showering without having to worry about water in his ears and starting to eat foods that he could finally eat without getting sick.    

     As many parents do I made mistakes in my parenting.  Sometimes to harsh and other times to lax.  I would try to teach him right from wrong, pray for his heart to be protected and not to be broken.  Sometimes we put them a bubble and then other times let them out of the bubble to learn some hard lessons.  It doesn't matter how hard you try, what you do you can't always protect them.  No matter what the circumstances if he did good or bad, if he was happy or sad I always wanted him to know that we loved him no matter what.  He truly was the best kid anyone could ask for.  He always minded when he was younger. We made it through elementary with no real big problems.  We made it through middle school, with the acne, heartbreak from girls, not understanding what the teachers were explaining, but again with no major incidents.  We then hit high school and I fully prepared myself for anything that would come our way.   We had more heartbreaks from girls, same thing with each teacher doesn't know what they are doing says the teenager but he started JRROTC and he excelled at it.  We moved 6 times during his school years.  He would start his junior year at Choctaw High School in Oklahoma and would continue ROTC.  Like I said he excelled in it.  Probably because the "military" lifestyle is what he knew.  Having a uniform around him was a normal everyday attire to him since his dad was in the military.  He graduated in 2011 and there is was....we made it through high school without any major incidents.  I wondered how in the world did we get this lucky lol.

     In August of 2011,  Jay and I drove our only child to Norman, Oklahoma to attend OU where he had chose to do AF ROTC.  Oh my gosh I remember how my heart broke the day he drove off for the last time to start college and we had orders to move to the opposite sign of what felt like the world to Washington DC.  When he drove out of sight I remember my knees buckling and sitting on the sidewalk so incredibly heartbroken and sobbing so hard that my baby boy was grown up and leaving the nest.  As I type this, that emotion comes flooding back, if you are a parent that has had a kid leave the nest you know exactly what I am talking about.  For 18 years, I kept that promise to God the best I could as a human with flaws, to protect him, to fight for him, and raise him to be a God fearing kid, husband and father one day.  In a matter of driving across the Oklahoma state line in our move I felt like I could know longer physically protect him.  Where would he go when he was upset, who would he have to comfort him, how would he cook for himself and how would he survive.  I look back and think we have all had to make that move on our own but it is different when it is your kid.  This world is a hard  in this day and age.  Before we knew it four years flew by and we made it through college with no major incidents.  Matter of fact that boy made the dean's lists most of his semesters and graduated with honors.

     On May 8th, our son Hunter, was commissioned as 2 Lieutenant Kalin into the United States Air Force as a Logistics officer, following in the footsteps of a wonderful example he has in his father.  The next day on May 9th he graduated from college with a Business degree.  On October 5th, 2016, my once little baby boy that fought for his life, his healing was prayed for by many, who has one amazing heart, was at his first duty station and officially on his first day of work.  Like so many milestones before I was so blessed to take that cross country trip with him to his first base.  I remember getting up in the TLF (base hotel) cooking him breakfast and hugging him to send him off on his first day of work.  As I watched him drive off through the window I broke into tears....there I was again, sending my now older boy in to the real world to start his own life.  This time is was for real.  It was not college where he could come home every Christmas break, summers etc but truly into the real world.  This is where my son would start his chapter in this thing called real life.  As I reflected that morning on moments as he grew up, my heart was truly feeling so many emotions all at one.  I thought of so many milestones and moments while he was growing up.  I laughed, I cried,  I took a sigh of relief that we made it this far (he turned out pretty good lol) and then I cried tears of gratefulness to God.  My heart felt so much pride that God chose and allowed Jay and I to raise him. The boy that was born so many years ago very sick had turned into the most wonderful young man that a mom and dad are so incredibly proud of.

     Like so many of us he has walked through love and been broken hearted.  He has seen how hard work pays off.  He has seen how his parents tried to parent the best way we knew how.  My prayer is that he can see how much God loves you, to seek him first always and how thankful we are to God that we were chosen to be his parents.  He may not just be in the next room anymore, he may not be just a drive away, he may not be my little boy physically anymore but in this mom's heart he will always, always, always be my sweet baby boy.

     23 years ago at 9:03 am you stole my heart......23 years later you still have this mom wrapped around your finger and always will.   Hunter, I love you and to say that I loved you to the moon and back doesn't seem enough.  In the famous words of Buzz Lightyear....I love you "to infinity and beyond."

     Happy Birthday to the most handsome, funniest, wittiest, kind hearted son that a mom and dad could ask for.   We love you to infinity and beyond, forever and always!!!!

Tattered, torn and broken wings.....

God threw a wrench in my family life when he sent my hubby on a job for a extended period of time.  I am in a position that I would not be able to go with him.  Recently, I have moved to a new location to enjoy some time near family which we usually never get with a military lifestyle.  This year is proving to be a rollercoaster ride as there has been up and downs.  In the beginning, I threw myself so many pity parties but then a swift kick in the butt from God reminded me pity parties are okay for a bit but you can't stay there.  There is so much beauty in God's creation but with life circumstances we tend to miss them. I have started to to be intentional and really appreciate the little things around me.

     On my back deck I alway have some beautiful birds, dragon flies and butterflies.  Recently I bought a camera and love playing with it so all these animals give me the chance to learn my settings etc.  A couple days ago I saw this sweet butterfly sitting on my deck...I immediately ran to grab my camera and snap some pictures.  What I love about the camera is the lens allows you to see details that a naked eye can't always see. I have taken pictures of many butterflies on my back deck but as I started taking pictures when it wings were up then when they were down I noticed this butterfly has a piece of its wing missing but even with that how beautiful it still is.  All of the sudden so many thoughts came over me and I wanted to put it to "paper" so to speak.

    In that moment my thought was so clear....I think so many of us can relate to this butterfly.  We all around with our "wings" up so no one can see how broken we can be or are.  We walk around with wings up so people can't see or ask about our hurt, sadness, anger, bitterness, betrayals, and the list goes on.  If we walk around with our wings up that doesn't allow people to come in and add to that list of damage or if we allow them to see the damage we think they won't like us anymore.  I can admit I am so guilty of those walls.  Those walls are our armor, our safety and our comfort zone.  However over the years I have learned that staying in our comfort zone.....that is like holding hands with the devil.  He wants you to be comfortable, he wants you to believe you are truly broken, that you can never be restored and he wants you to walk around with a broken wing.  I don't know about you but I am tired of walking around that way.

The reality is this.....we are all broken.  We are human, we all have had to deal with hurt, sadness, anger, bitterness and betrayals.  It is what we choose to do with those situation that matters.  Every single thing we walk through in life has a story, a emotion and a outcome.  Sometimes that outcome is what we want or maybe not what we want but in the end we know God's plans for us always prevail.  Our stories are our/Gods testimonies.  Some of the stories turn out good and some turn out bad. What I do know is that God uses everything good and bad for his glory.  We may not see that while we live on this earth but they are proof we serve a loving, wonderful, merciful God.  I can look around and see so many people I know (to definitely include myself) that walk around with broken wings...some are missing more on their wings than others.

As our paths cross with new people we keep our wings up until we get comfortable then we slowly let them down.  As they get lower we start to share the story that caused that tear, rip or piece totally missing in that wing.  Other times we let them down but never share that story or the outcome of that story for fear of losing a friend or loved one.  I have been in that situations when I have shared a story and lost friends.  I was crushed at the time but I look back and realize a few things.  Either is was not the time to share that story,  that person was not in a place to receive the story that I thought they could relate to or they truly weren't a friend in the end.  Those reactions from people tend to cause us to put those wings right back up.  My challenge for all of us is to be more transparent and share those stories of our broken wings to help others heals theirs.  My prayer for me in the past few years are that God will lay on my heart when the time is right, the purpose of my sharing truly has a purpose, sharing it to the right person but above all share it so it gives him the glory not gives me self glory.  

I can't help but think if we could see ourselves through Gods eyes we would see a perfectly beautiful butterfly.  He sees the brokenness, hurt, anger, sadness, bitterness, betrayals etc. but he sent his son to make those wings whole again.  People say God never gives us more than we can handle but I strongly disagree with that.  Those broken wings are a reminder that God gives us more than we can handle in this life so that we learn to lean on and trust in him.  If he never gave us more than we could handle we would sit complacent.  In the words of Jimmy Carter "I hate to see complacency prevail in our lives when it's so directly contrary to the teaching of Christ." 

~Until next time

It started with a baked potato......

So as I started to say.....it all started with a baked potato so here is the rest of the story.  Earlier this afternoon I had been out running some errands and a little shopping.  I found myself getting pretty hungry so I pulled into a bbq place and got a baked potato with the toppings to go.  To roll back before the stopping to get a potato (I know it is confusing but just follow me down the path) at that intersection before the place to eat I notice a older homeless gentleman in blue jeans, a very faded purple shirt and a cane.  I think we have all been there and know that he was waiting for someone to help him with money or food.  So I took a mental note then kept on to my destination.  My stomach was growling and I ordered my food.  Was going to sit in the car and eat it but decided to just take it back home.  As I pulled out of the restaurant I heard a voice give the man your food.  I knew it would be challenging to get it to him from where I was but I said okay God you want me to do it then I will.

I have heard that voice many times (I can't explain as it was not audible but more like a gut feeling voice if that makes sense) and know I am to do exactly what that voice says.   I know, as a Christian, that voice is God and I am to obey it.  There have also been many times that I have not listened to it and the result was not pretty.  Either someone needed a friend to just talk to at that moment they were put on my mind and I did not "make the time to text or call, or a loved one needed you to be there but because of "life" it was not a priority.  I could go on all day about things "coincidences" (which I know are not the case because NOTHING with God is a coincidence) that happen in my life but I know they are simply God.

Now back to my story.....as I drove past that area I knew I could not get to him to give him the food from that side of the road.  He had started walking off to another location.  I had to go through a light, take a service road for a mile and then take the turn about back down the other side of the service road back the mile I just came from on the other side to get to the area he was at.  I took the turn about under the bridge hoping I would see him.  To my surprise he was standing right there back to me.  I immediately pulled over as far as I could,  put on my hazards, rolled down the window (said a slight prayer that no one would zip around the corner and hit me) and said excuse me sir....he turned around.   I said here is some food for you my friend.  He took the food in one hand and reach over with the other.  He took my hand so firmly and said, "May Jesus Be With You."  He had the most beautiful blue eyes and skin that had seen some rough days.  I said thank you sir and he responded, "May God Bless You."  He (and I am so mad I did not ask him his name) then said I am a vet two times over and I have slit many throats.  All of the sudden a fear came over me that made me second guess being a single female stopping under a bridge and how quickly it have gone a different way.  I told him I hoped this helped him and thanked him for his service.  He just kept saying God Bless You as he turned away.  I rolled up the window and drove off.  As I drove off I was so mad that I let fear overcome me.  I knew God told me to give this man my food and that whatever happened God had a plan.  I wrestled all the way home with that telling myself God did not give us a spirit of fear.  It says that in 2 Timothy 1:7 but in that moment satan took the opportunity to jump in and try to rob something that I was supposed to do.

From that I have sat and thought about this man for a couple of hours....I can see his beautiful eyes and his tattered aged skin.  I can feel his hand shake and I am daunted by the words I am a two time vet and I have slit many throats.  I don't know if that is a true statement or not but I can't help think if it is what this poor man has seen in his lifetime.  What dreams does he have, does he even sleep due to nightmares but more importantly how did he get there.  I can't help but think he could be someone's dad, brother, uncle etc.  I find myself hurting for him.  If he is a vet we as americans have failed him along with so many others. (Now not to start ANY political mud slinging but those are my thoughts....we as americans have failed him/our vets.)  I have recently moved back by my dad and I can't imagine the thought of him going through that, living on the streets, people not given him a second glance or helping him because of him being "fake homeless" and the not knowing what had happened to him.   Maybe the man chooses to be homeless or maybe he doesn't have a choice at all.

I often hear people say that homeless person begging may not be homeless and faking it, they will just use the money on drugs or the money on drinking.  What I say to them is that is it not our place to judge what they do with the money.   If I was a two time vet or that might have nightmares, open sores, abscessed teeth with no way to get dental care, maybe watched a family member get killed (those are just a few examples that I could think about on a list that could go on forever) etc...I would probably be in the same boat of drinking or do drugs to dull the pain both mentally and physically.  Sometimes I think they are put there to see if we obey God's prompting to help others.  Maybe it is a real person or one of his many angels in disguise but either way we are told to help others.  To be the hands and feet of Christ.

I truly pray that I see that man again because if I have the opportunity when I am around, each time I will make sure he at least has food for his belly to be full and liquid to keep him hydrated.   I wished I had something to drink in my car to offer him.  It is hot here in Texas but thankfully today it was overcast and it rained.  I hope he stayed cool, fully belly and dry under that bridge.

Lesson learned today.....always follow that voice (gut intuition) if you are told to do something.  You plant a seed.......a seed you may never see the harvest on but you know you were being Jesus's hands and feet in that moment.  Never let fear stop you if God is leading you.  If he brings you to it.....he will bring you through it.   God did not give us a spirit of fear.

Until next time...........

When paths cross they are never on accident.

In July of 2014 I took a trip to Abilene to visit my dad.  I was able to meet a very sweet couple that was their neighbors at the time.  You see, if you know me you know I am a thrift store, garage sale kind of girl so when my stepmom said the neighbor is having a garage sale while you are here you know who was there...yep this girl.  Upon going over there..in my normal fashion I start talking to them, helped them move some things out to the driveway for the sale.  We had a great convo and then I went back to my dads.  The next morning everyone in the house was still sleeping so I peeked out to see if the neighbors were out and they were.  So this girl walked over and chatted with them.  We sat down for a while and had some really great convo that ranged from my family, trading cards and God.  I thoroughly enjoyed meeting and chatting with them.  Little did I know six months later how our paths would cross again.  Most of you know that it is time for us to move this summer and as the Air Force's fashion we never know where we will end up next....true to its word we were thrown a curve ball.  Jay will be going to a location for a year (we will not disclose this openly on the internet) and I will not be going with him.  As this is our lifestyle and we know what we signed up for it doesn't always make it easy.  What we do is we press on and move forth.  During this transition we were trying to figure out what I will do....do I stay here or do I move by family.  Many days and nights my thoughts were consumed by this.  We took a vacation on the KLOVE cruise and for four days I was able to not think about it constantly but the minute we hit land again.....the thoughts over took my brain.  We got back home and that night and Lysa TerKeurst post this  on her fb page and it was profound.  It was like God was speaking directly to me via her.  I quickly did a screen shot and kept reading it.  At that very moment I knew I was to lay it as his feet and not pick it up again.

I started praying God whatever you want me to be I will be.  I drifted off to sleep and the very next morning the name Ben came flooding my brain.  At that moment I had my answer...I knew in that very moment why six months earlier why God had my dad's neighbors paths cross mine.  You see they have rental properties (I learned that in that convo months earlier) and I knew that God had chose them to be my landlord for the year my hubby was gone.   So as I could feel my heart finally come to some peace about this entire situation.  I then made some phone calls and got in touch with Ben.  As we talked I told him about our current situation and he has a house coming available in my time frame.  Wouldn't you know it not just any house but a 1941 cottage style home.  It has been fully redone inside and has the best character....seriously could God pick out a better place to call home for a year.  I was blown away...although it doesn't take away that half of my heart will be leaving for a year I am thankful to have a roof over my head with a landlord that God cared enough to hand pick for me.   So as things have unfolded....lease is signed, I have the sweetest landlords that I am blessed to call my friends and now my sweet boy will come to stay with me until his venture starts as a AF Airman.  I am constantly in awe of what God chooses for me.  Now my family has some peace of mind knowing that I am going to be right where I am supposed to be......so as of mid June...this girl and her two dogs in tow.....Abilene, Texas will be my home for a year.  So thankful for Ben and Louise but even more grateful God crossed our paths knowing six months later we would need each other.   I needed a great place to stay and they would need a good tenant to rent their house while treating and respecting it as it was my very own.  Completely grateful.

~until next time....

Materialistic or our constant

So before I start this blog I understand where this can come across as a very materialistic thought but hang with me.  So living the military lifestyle we live to what it may appear that we are materialistic however I have come to the realization that we tend to see our stuff as a constant.  Now I am a christian and I know that God is my truly only constant so don't mistake that for one bit but again hang on a little bit longer. For us we have been moving every two-three years for a while. When I was a younger military wife moving around to new places was a great thing.  It was intriguing to see the world, meet new people, make lasting friendships etc. It was like Christmas.  They come in pack your "stuff."  Eventually you get to the new place and your stuff finally arrives.  As you open the boxes (even when it has just been a couple of weeks since you saw it) and you feel like you are opening a bunch of new presents.  Things you have had forever or stashed in the "junk" drawer suddenly get a second look, it triggers a memory and you love it more than ever.  As the years go by before you know it for over half of your life you have been doing the same thing...unpacking the so called "junk drawers."  As we wind down this assignment I find myself having a hard time packing my "stuff" up again.  With the waiting of our new assignment, a new place another unknown the thought of packing my stuff up to be put in a box and be put away really hit me hard this time.  As I have been packing up my seasonal stuff I know the routine...pack it up good this time as you will not put it up in this house again so it will sustain another move.  The next time it comes out it will be at a new house for a new season somewhere else. For some reason it saddened me. I was talking to a friend about that and through that conversation I told her it seems so crazy to me. I am not materialistic (I mean don't get me wrong I have been in the past when I was younger) bu for some reason I could not put my finger on this feeling.  Well as we chatted through it and then it made sense.  For some people things are things, materials can be materialistic however I think for a good chunk of military families our materials become our constant.  We chuckle and say we are transients in my family because our roots are only put down for a short time just to be pulled right back up.  When you live in a house that is not yours due to renting it or living on base for the time being your "stuff and family" is what makes it a home. We wait for a long time until the day that we get to live in our forever home.  We all have a book of life....each season brings a new chapter.  My hubby and I are in the chapter of our son almost graduating college, getting married and going off into this big old thing we call the world. We have adjusted to becoming empty nesters (however it did take some time) but as I look around the house, pack stuff up for seasons, carry it to the garage I see the bins of my sons stuff growing up.  As the conversation kept going like I said it hit me....these items we call "stuff" like our family become our constant.  When we move into all the "New" unknowns like the house, unknown town, unknown new church and unknown friends that will come our "stuff" is our constant.  When we unpack it of course it feels like Christmas (okay I will admit after 50 boxes, a ton of tape stuck every where, and paper coming out your ears,  is does become overrated lol) because when we see it memories are linked to it.  Rather it be a silly straw that you can see them sitting at the kitchen table drinking milk,  a blanket they used to cuddle up on the couch with or a piece of furniture that grew with them....all in all it still has the same feeling.  We cling to those things because it is not just stuff but is it laughter, happiness, tears, sadness and so many more emotions.  So it doesn't really explain why some bases are harder to leave than others but what is does explain is why I am feeling that way.   I do a lot of refurbishing of furniture.  As I look around my house each piece was painted with a purpose.  It make be a kitchen table of many different colors, a flag tv stand or a white rustic buffet but in those moments of painting those I have had many conversations with friends, my hubby, my son and family that are priceless.  A lot of conversations that made us laugh, that made us cry, that drew us closer, made us grow as a person or created a new bond.  So with all that being said....our "stuff" in our house brings a certain safety, memories, comfort and above all love.  Until Next Time.......

Your gut instinct is a gift from God...use it, go with it, follow it.

Three years ago a post rolled through a newsfeed from a friend that would change my life forever.  To step back a bit, my friend Deleesa and I had boys that went to kindergarten and first grade together.  Then you know the military life story...we moved away.  We lost contact over the years but later hooked up on facebook.  On October 17, 2010 she posted this post.  Not sure if you can read it but it was a prayer for a friend of hers and her husband.

After reading this post most of the time I just say I will be praying but this time it was different.  God whispered in my heart to type a prayer out.  So I did.  I did not know what the outcome would be but I knew I was supposed to do it.  Later that day in my inbox I received a message from someone I did not know.  I read it and when I did I knew exactly why I typed out that prayer. Here is the message from that very day Oct 17, 2010.

When I typed that prayer I truly felt that was the holy spirit telling me to do.  Here way my response in a message back. (had to edit as it had my current phone number in it.) To Tracy:God is the Alpha and Omega, First and Last, One and Only. The ulimate physicians of our lives. What our will is, is not always His but His will is always for the best for us. We may not see it immediatly, a year or ten years but you can bet He knows our hearts and loves us so much. I would love to take credit for the prayer but the Holy spirit lives in me and that is my voice..(well sometimes...the things I say or react are not so Holy spirit like..lol) Today God allowed me to tell you that right when you needed it. To me that is His was of showing you to just trust Him. I hope you have a good day and call me if you need anything.

From that very day because of one friend another friendship started.  Tracy and I started facebooking.  Then it turned into texting and finally chatting on the phone.  Hearing the story truly broke my heart as you could tell Denny (her husband) was a great man.  He was a well respected kids softball coach and he loved what he did.  A few months prior in July 10 he fell on a contracting job thus breaking his leg.  It was a very nasty break and the decision was made to try to save the leg. Over the course of three years Denny has had 17 surgeries, multiple skin graphs etc.  Surgery number 18 would be the final closer in the chapter of surgeries but a new chapter in their lives and what I believe a chapter of healing.  

As you notice in the paragraph above Tracy and I were in contact with facebook, text messages and phones call....but one thing was missing.  We NEVER had met face to face.  It seemed every opportunity that came up something kept us from meeting.  My husband ran the USAF 2012 that was in Dayton, Ohio (where they live) and got to meet them for a brief second but still I had yet to hug her neck.  We moved this past summer to Missouri which still left us about 8 hours from Dayton knowing one day it would be doable to get up there to meet her and Denny.  Just was not sure when. 

My husband usually runs certain marathons a year but decided to take 2013 off due to some injuries he had etc.   He went out on a short run as he always does and came back from this run with a very heavy heart.  He proceeded to tell me he was running the USAF marathon, mind you was late in the game as it was just a few short months away and hoping it was not booked up.  Wouldn't you know he got in and got to run with about 20 people from where we live know that went up....sorry back to the point.  His heart was very heavy for Denny that night.  You see a few months back Tracy and Denny told us the news that Denny had decided to have his leg amputated.  As I stated before 17 surgeries, graphs etc.  It came with so much pain, botched surgeries etc.  He was so limited on what he could do.  No running, no coaching and no enjoying life.  After meeting with a team of doctors etc the date was set for September 19th to have the leg amputated.  As I informed Jay of that date months earlier he said okay etc.  When he went out to run that day his heart was heavy for Denny and the whole situation that he decided to run that marathon in honor of Denny.  He told me what he wanted to do and I called Tracy immediately to chat with her to tell her Jay's plan. We needed her okay, blessing and to be a sneaking girl in this one and keeping it all from Denny for months.  They are very private but needed her help in this next step.  Not only did Jay want to run it with him but he wanted to go to the hospital after the race and give Denny his finishers medal to make a pack with him that next year they would run whatever marathon length they can at the 2014 USAF marathon.  With all that I knew with out a shadow of a doubt I would finally meet Tracy finally....coincidentally (okay so not so coincidence) Denny's surgery was on the 19th of September 2013 and the USAF marathon was on 21st of September 2013 both being located in Dayton, Ohio.

Plans started pulling together, dates where finalized and the plans were made.  I booked my plane ticket to go up there on the 18th so I could be with them the day of the surgery etc.  On Sept 18th at roughly 6:00 pm just shy of three years to the date I finally hugged my sweet friend Tracy's neck at the airport.  I never thought it would take almost three years but God's timing was perfect.  The surgery was a huge success with a OUTSTANDING team of doctors, nurses etc.  We had prayed in the waiting room that morning with the almost exact prayer from three years earlier.  We knew God was he ultimate doctor....we knew his hands would be all over this surgery, we knew he had Denny in the palm of his hand.  This surgery would be the hardest but in the end the best I felt for their lives to finally start somewhat fresh. 

On September 21st we made our way to the hospital, unbeknownst to Denny what was about to happen, to let those two make a pact. When we got there nerves where all over the place for the three of us.  Not sure how Denny would take it.  We knew he wanted to run again, coach again etc...so thinking this might give him something to focus on when days get hard, physical therapy begins, etc.  As we were walking up the halls I remember texting Tracy we are on our way etc.  My stomach was a ball of nerves.  We stayed at the hospital for a bit then Jay finally did his thing.  He told Denny why he ran and what his reason's where for.  My husband is a man of little words but his actions always speak for themselves. Not only was this his personal record time for running a full marathon it felt like a personal win for Denny.  As he was telling Denny why he ran, you could see Denny's reaction and not sure what to do.  As he took the medal you could see a heart that was so soft, a man that had been somewhat broken have some hope again, and more importantly I knew at that moment we had life long friends.   I never doubted that Tracy and I would be life long friends but now our husbands have a bond that no one can break, a understanding that no one else can understand what mentally went on that day, and a peace that surpasses all understanding.  We know that Tracy and Denny will have days of doubt on this decision, days of frustration, days of questioning etc....they are human and that comes with the territory and nature of this situation.  Once he gets that prosthetic leg on watch out world Denny will be non-stoppable.  Their world as they knew it for the past three years is going to change.  As I stated before this 18th surgery from a outsider looking in the book of life sees this chapter as a chapter of Hope, healing, and regaining life again.  

                                                         Denny and Jay Sept 21, 2013

Three years ago it started because someone obeyed God and asked for prayer on facebook. Because of that a friendship started and a bond that (I may have just finally hugged my friends neck for the first time just less than a month ago) truly felt like we had been life long friends.

So today I hope to leave you with this.  God gave us a gut instinct for a reason.....use it......go with it.......follow it.  

Seasons Come and Season Go but God never changes

I love blogging but I have not done a lot of it in the past two years. However today I need to get some thoughts out.  I am closing a very special business.  It is not like closing any business but one that saved my life.  Here is what I wrote to my customers/fans on that page.

Beautiful friends, I have an announcement to make that will be the hardest decision that I have ever had to make but it has been a decision backed up with many prayers over it and I know it is the right one.  I know it will come as a surprise and shock but God has made it very clear to me in the past week what I need to do. As I type this the tears are rolling down my face but I know this is the right one.  On May 6, 2012 I opened Blessed by Stitches and it saved my life.  If you don’t know my story and where this business came from here is a glimpse.

**** Post in Notes July 24, 2012: I wanted to take a minute and share with everyone the story behind my business  Blessed by Stitches and Sticky Business Vinyl letter.  I do love seeing the numbers go up and it just makes me so excited to give another thing away but more importantly it is a way to just give people another link to God.   Recently, Aug of 2011 we moved to DC with the military...move number 7..but this time was different.  We moved without our son and our only kid to top that.  He was 18 and time to spread his wings for college and it was a tough road...the very job God have given me was done for the most part.  I am a wife and a mom...but now not to a full time level like I was.  I prayed forever to God to give me something to do...well our God almighty did...he gave me this opportunity to open blessed by stitches and sticky business vinyl and it has taken off.  God laid on my heart that this could be a way to mentor to other women in the military community since we have been in 20 years.  Well he saw the bigger picture...it was not to mentor to just military women but whoever came along and truthfully not to always mentor but to just be there.  To share in a thing we call sisterhood as women.  We are wired so different than men and sometimes we just need someone to hear us, be there, or like this past weekend have divine chosen appointments to share His word.  I feel so lucky. People always say you do such a great job, I love it, you have a great eye and the list goes on...I say it is all God's work that HE is allowing me to do.  I frequently put on my page how can I pray for you... As the numbers go up and the page spreads out you never know who will read that and need to see that.  To know someone is out there praying for them.  When I am doing these projects for my customers...please know that I pray for you, your family etc while doing them.  Anyways I wanted you to know what God laid on my heart two months ago and what the heart behind this business is... on my left wrist I have tatted my life verse..Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto you own understanding...  have a super blessed day****

Fast forward to a little over year into the business. I feel so very blessed to have had the opportunity to have a business that God gave me.  This business saved me.  So letting go of it is not as easy as closing just a business…it is my heart, my passion, and my mission to get God’s word out there.   After all HE is the reason we are here.  What I do know is for the past year I have put my sweat and tears into this business. I would not trade one single moment of painted skin, vinyl stuck in my hair, and the 5:00 am mornings sanding in the garage when I could not sleep. I love it.  I have had the opportunity to pray with, for and along side of many of you.  I have had the blessings to meet some of you in person and get to hug your necks.  So many wonderful conversations have come out of this business.  I would not change a thing well maybe I would if I could pack all you up and have a big party and meet each and every one of you.

This decision like I said has come with lots of prayer.  I am always saying we need to be the hands and feet of Jesus while we are here.  Recently we moved to Missouri and for the first time in four years (last two assignments have been school programs) we are back in a military setting, meaning back into squadrons.  It is a very small community and I have craved that.  I said when we moved here I wanted to give back to a small town and I will be.  I have decided, with much prayer and confirmation from God, that I will be taking a volunteer roll that will require a good bit of my time so I won’t be able to handle the load that BBS does. (on average I am painting, vinyling and shipping depending on the time of year 20-50 signs a week leading to long hours most days) I was so very blessed by God and this but I can’t give it my 100% or give my new position 100% so something has to give.  I felt BBS was that choice.  I say that because right now I have a huge opportunity to be the hands and feet at this base.  To give back to the airmen, the spouses and their families while I am here.  I can see them face to face, talk with them daily, walk with them on this journey as an older spouse, mentor them but more importantly I pray that Jesus shines out of me and gives them some hope.  I posted a saying last week that has been my thought for a while.  “Don’t shine so others can see you.  Shine so that through you, others can see HIM!!!  That is my heart’s desire and I plan on keeping that saying in my daily prayers to strive for that each day.  So with all that being said come 1 July I will no longer have the page up and running.  I have to deactivate it to walk through the process.  I know this sounds silly but it will be a grieving process so shutting it down is the best option to not keep seeing it.  This has like I said the hardest decision ever. 

I don’t want anyone to feel like I have left them hanging as I have two girls that do vinyl signs, tile, glasses etc that I will pass on the names to you.  Both will have access to all my files, colors etc so you can go to them if you need anything done.  They were both customers of mine and decided to open a business so they do great work.  More importantly they are fantastic women and I know I leave you in great hands.  https://www.facebook.com/WordsThatStickByStephanie?fref=ts is Words that Stick By Stephanie.  She does mainly wood signs etc. https://www.facebook.com/CraftsBySarahD?fref=ts Craft by Sarah D does tiles, cups, key chains, shirts etc.  That gives you two great women with great talent to meet your needs.  I will tag their business in my comments to write them down or go like their page so you don’t forget.  I will still have my email up and running tiffanykalin@gmail.com if you ever need me, have questions or just need prayer.  I am also going to start back up blogging, something that I enjoy but have not really had the time to do that so you can follow that at www.tiffanykalin.com as well.  Friends, I am going to miss you, miss posting daily inspirations, song but most of all I will miss the nights of praying for you.  Know that I will always be praying over you as I always have.   Thank you for allowing me Tiffany Kalin and Blessed By Stitches be a part of your life.  I hope this page gave you ideas, hope, inspiration, and a love for God in a way you never knew via his post.  After all he is the one who owns this business. “Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 is tatted on my left wrist and that is what I am doing taking this leap.  Trusting Him!!!

In Him,

Tiffany Kalin

Owner of Blessed By Stitches
Proverbs 3:5

Whew reading this again brings me to tears.  I never want to disappoint anyone and I know this will.  I know that God is having me move on to be the hands and feet of my very own community.  I have prayed about it and I will be taking on the responsibility of the Airman's Attic.  That is a way I can give back to all the wonderful Airman, spouses, and kids that work hard.  Those Airman are what keep my husbands Squadron running and running very well.  They take great pride in their jobs and I want to give back to them. Some of the younger ones are our son's age. You see we are prior enlisted so we have been there.  When Jay was a e-2 or e-3 we had Hunter who was still a baby.  He has several surgeries so they moved us on base to be closer to the hospital. Keep in mind that was 21 years ago before they let E-4 and below live on base.  We were blessed with this house but not a lot of furniture.  Some sweet family donated a table and four chairs to the Airman's attic.  We were able to get them free of charge because of someone elses  generosity.  I remember that fantastic feeling of sitting around the dinner table as a family.   So when this opportunity came up it was truly a blessing to give back.   So with all that being said I and sad to see Blessed By Stitches go but I am so excited to see what two years here will bring me.   Like the title says....Seasons come and seasons go but God never changes.  Today this season has ended but God is still the same.  He is walking beside me, guiding me, holding me, loving me and most of all he believes and trusts me enough to give me a new task.  I will be praying this quote everyday during this transition and time here.  Don't Shine so others can see you.  Shine so that others, through you can see Him!!!

My left wrist is tatted with Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding"  So today I trust him with this move.  For I know my God will never fail me.

Until next time folks.

Remembering Connecticut....

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13 

I have not blogged in a while but God has laid this on my heart this morning heavier than anything in a long time. I pray the families of the teachers, families children that have passed, for the children that survived and the responders as well as their families.  Please know that as a country we have prayed, currently praying, and will continue to pray for you and your family for many years to come. 

As I laid in bed this morning I turned on the TV to Good Morning America to watch the latest news.  You see this is so out of character for me as I usually get up go to my craft work and work.  My morning ritual is to turn on the computer,  get K-love streaming through my computer, turn on my machine and open my blinds in the work room. Routine done...off to work I go.  In our house we very rarely turn on the TV ever as we are busy, but today was different for me. 

Today was not a typical day.  I remember feeling that I have not had a day like this is a long time.   It then hit me as I watched the coverage on Good Morning America today.  When all those families woke up they did not know it would be a non typical day.  They had no idea what was about to happen. No idea how their lives would change in a instant. Now how every day will be different from here on out. Please don't let the what happen have you live in fear the rest of your lives.  God never put fear in us...that is strictly from Satan. Fear robs us of the rest of the moments of joy and that is the bondage Satan wants us to live in.  When we fear we miss every moment big or small.  Be guarded yes, be fearful NO. Cling to these verses of truth.

The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

To step back a little bit to end of August, beginning of  September. My friend Chantel and myself had a great hour to hour and a half conversation on the phone about what God had and had continued to do in her life.  She asked me to make her a certain sign (the one pictured above) to represent and remind her that in all the good and back to always remember to thank God.  No matter what good or bad ALWAYS thank God.  On September 28th she went to the hospital to have another operation and she passed away on the operating table leaving her two kids special needs kids 17 and 15 behind.  She had a passion for God like so many people.  I know that in that moment when she stood in front of God, He was able to look at her and said this to her. His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' Matthew 25:23.  This has played a huge role in my life since then.  I ask myself in the mornings almost everyday...if I was to pass away today would God say that about my very day?  When she passed the family sent this sign back to me to hang in my office as a memory of her.  I share this story as I hope this sign and what it reads helps you get through every day good and bad moments. 

So back to the Connecticut news. First of all let me say for all the teachers out there THANK YOU.  Teaching is a job that is underpaid, over demanding but the impact you get to have on the children because you are with them 8+ hours a day is PRICELESS.  You get to be the very person to help shape, mold, impact kids in a way that God put you on this earth to do.  On behalf of a son that is almost 20...hearing the stories of certain teachers that have impacted his life...MAN do I thank you.  Keep doing what you do as you NEVER know what seeds you will be planting for years to come.  You may never see the harvest but you bet you are planting a seed. 

As I watched it this morning and watched the interviews for the first time of the families, police officers, and so many more tears streamed down my face. My heart broke for them.  They all have seen and are going through things we as humans should never have to see or go through.  So many young lives taken so fast....as I saw on a sign no footprint is to small to make a imprint on this world.  WOW that is so true.  How would we know that 20 kids...40 footprints would leave such a HUGE impact on this world.  I hear people say they did not have a lot of time to live and experience this world.  They are so right but I see them impact those 40 feet have left and I am in awe of how God will use it.  I think of the name of the city..NEWTOWN...how God will use this very name and they will have to pull together to become a town that has had a tragedy but he will use the aftermath to bring families together in a way that we could never imagine thus it becoming a Newtown.  I saw the faces of those precious children that passed away that day and think why like any other American but I also say thank you to God because of these children, even though their lives where cut short in what we are humans think, YOU will use this for your Glory.  It may not be now or for many years to come but you will.  I can't help but think about these sweet children got to see the sweet faces of God and Jesus. Even thought they were on this earth for a mere vapor in the world of God,  I KNOW they  told them the very same thing that they told my friend..."well done, good and faithful servants."  You sent these kids to this earth for a very specific reason when you created them...to bring joy, hope, happiness and the list goes on...even thought right now what feels like such a dark time, they then, and now will continue to bring joy, hope, happiness etc.  To all the parents of the children, my heart as a mom, wife and a daughter goes out to you and though I can't tell you I understand your emotions, feelings, etc as I have not been through it.  I can't even imagine the emotions you are walking through....my prayers are with you.

To Precious Charlotte, Precious Daniel, Precious Olivia Rose, Precious Josephine, Precious Dylan, Precious Madeleine, Precious Catherine, Precious Chase, Precious Jesse, Precious Ana, Precious James, Precious Grace, Precious Emilie, Precious Jack, Precious Noah, Precious Caroline, Precious Jessica, Precious Avielle,Precious Benjamin, and Precious Allison,  I want you to know this.  Many of us never knew your personally but I know you were put on this earth for a very reason by our sweet God.  You are 20 children with 40 sets of footprints that you will never know how those 40 sets of feet have impacted the lives of millions all over this world.  We will never forget you precious children. May you rest in peace. 

For the family members of those teachers that gave the ultimate gift for the children of sacrifice that day my prayers are with you. I say to you thank you.  You raised incredible people.  I don't know any of you but what they did for those kids...shows it without a shadow of a doubt.

For the teachers that paid the ultimate price that day.  Thank you is not near enough.. You sacrificed your life for those babies.   I can't imagine what you were feeling during that time but I know you were the hands and feet of Jesus in that very moment. I say that because I am reminded in the bible that this verse you took to heart "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13.  Oh precious teachers, Rachel Davino, Dawn Hocksprung, Anne Marie Murphy, Lauren Rousseau, Mary Sherlach,  and Victoria Soto, you paid the ultimate price but you are hero's in my book.   You are the example of being the hands and feet of Jesus.  We will NEVER forget your sacrifice and may you rest in peace.

For the other teachers that are having to get up and go back to work.   I am sure so many questions loom through your minds.  Why them, why not me, where do I go from here, how do I teach after this etc....what I have to say to you is hold your head up, look to God, he WILL guide you through it. In scripture is says this...And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus Philippians 4:7.  Just like those other children needed the teachers as the protectors in that very moment....the kids left behind need that more now than ever.   You have a chance to be the biggest impact on those kids in a time when they are suffering right along side you.   May God give you a peace that passes any understanding.  Thank you for doing what you did, what you do and what you will continue to do for the children that you have taught in the past, the ones you are teaching in the present, and the ones you will be teaching in the future.

For the first responders on the scene. I don't really know what to say but thank you for your sacrifice.  You are trained in this, you are trained to respond to this very thing but I am sure as a police officer, EMT, fireman as so many more you pray you never have to.  I know you saw things that no one should ever see.  I have no words other that thank you for your service.  You are the first ones that had to walk into this tragedy, tell parents and coworkers news that you should not have had to.  No words but thank you.  You my friends are hero's in my book.

Finally, For the entire family of Adam Lanza.  I am so sorry that you  to are walking through this.  This is a terrible event and we as a society are so quick to judge others and point fingers.  Instead I want people to come along side you and love you with no malice, anger, hatred, and many other emotions people have.  I say that to you from a mother, wife, daughter's stand point. I am truly sorry you all as a family have to walk through this.  I want people to FORGIVE Adam for his actions just as God forgave us.  He put his son on the cross for all of us...he did not pick and choose their fore we don't get to pick and choose who we forgive or if we do.  We are called to forgive.  It may be instant for some and longer for others but that is what we are called to do and that is my prayer for all of us to include the families that lost the kids, the teachers that gave the ultimate price,  the responders,  the kids that have survived, and the teachers that have to get up and continue teaching.  Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy time seven!" Matthew 18:21-22

As I close this today remember this is what is laid on MY heart by God. You don't have to agree 100% or even at all. However,  I will cling to the truth of His word though and his word is very clear.  

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love each other because he loved us first. 1 John 4:18-19

We are called to love on another and in this very unfortunate event now is a good time for so many of us to take that step to truly love one another.

Tiffany Kalin

My heart behind my business...

I wanted to take a minute and share with everyone the story behind my business Blessed by Stitches and Sticky Buisness Vinyl letter. I do love seeing the numbers go up and it just makes me so excited to give another thing away but more importantly it is a way to just give people another link to God. Recently, Aug of 2011 we moved to DC with the military...move number 7..but this time was different. We moved without our son and it was a tough road...the very job God have given me was done for the most part. I am a wife and a mom...but now not to a full time level like I was. I prayed forever to God to give me something to do...well our God almighty did...he gave me this opportunity to open blessed by stitches and sticky business vinyl and it has taken off. God laid on my heart that this could be a way to mentor to other women in the military community since we have been in 20 years. Well he saw the bigger picture...it was not to mentor to just military women but whoever came along and truthfully not to always mentor but to just be there. To share in a thing we call sisterhood as women. We are wired so different then men and sometimes we just need someone to hear us, be there, or like this past weekend have divine chosen apppointments to share His word. I feel so lucky..people always say you do such a great job, I love it, you have a great eye and the list goes on...I say it is all God's work that HE is allowing me to do. I frequently put on my page how can I pray for you... As the numbers go up and the page spreads out you never know who will read that and need to see that. To know someone is out there praying for them. When I am doing these projects for my customers...please know that I pray for you, your family etc while doing them. Anyways I wanted you to know what God laid on my heart two months ago and what the heart behind this business is... on my left wrist I have tatted my life verse..Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto you own understanding... have a super blessed day

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Blessed-by-Stitches-Tiffany-Kalin/184019611721174?ref=hl#!/notes/blessed-by-stitches-tiffany-kalin/

A day in the life of a short person...snicker snicker

As a friend of mine and I were talking last week about her being so tall and me being so short the differences where funny. So I thought I would share some humor of the ways of this world via a short persons view.  They are true things we deal with as anyone does although some may be exagerated some but a sense of humor just  makes it that much more funny...Disclaimer I would never trade my size for anything...lol


Dear  Department Store Retailers, I love how you use every space possible to have stuff stocked up to the brim with products we need. However at five foot tall I can never reach any of those...so you sit there look up and watch several people walk by not offereing to help...then we go walking and searching any isle for the next tallest person.  Hey sir, can you please help me (mind you as I get a look like I have three eyes).  Uhm okay what do you need. Well I am trying to get this product down, obviously I can't so thank you for helping me.  Usually the next comment from the helpful person wow they should not put things up this tall because people can't reach them...my thought...thank you as that was not obvious in this situation...lol

As a person of 5 feet tall in crowds we get to smell things most people don't. If you have ever hugged me you know I go to most people arm pits...so in a crowd I walk through getting to smell armpit odors that most people don't smell...or if you try to pull of the fart and go...guess what..yep you guessed that green cloud goes right in my face...really that's fabulous.  I think I have decided to be armed with spray deodorant for one and a fart extinguisher for the other....so beware if you do that around me I will track you down and help out with those issues..just a warning

As a person of 5 feet tall...riding the metro is so fabulous I can't even express the excitement (disclaimer here I despise the metro).  It is so fun at peak time when we have to use it to get downtown cause there is not parking or if you find it, it is so expesive you should just give them your first born.  Anyways...the best part is all the poles running from ceiling to floor always taken to hold onto.  The ones on the ceiling not so much...okay news flash I cant even reach those on my tippy toes...hows that for safety...next my favorite is when someone has on a backpack...omgosh I love it when you turn so fast that you cold cock me with it in the face and you never even knew.  So from this day foward I plan on hitting back..I will carry my backpack full of bricks as well....just a forwarning...lol

Go to the docs office this past Monday.  Check in all is well.. have a seat we will call you.  I think perfect...go to sit on the couch in the lobby and the couch was so far back that my knees caps where on the cushion thus leaving very little of my legs free and no way possible to touch the floor..if I sit back.  If I sit on the edge all is well but I look like by body posture that I am out to kill the world on a anger streak. lol   So as I sit back the feet might tend to start tingling as they have no blood supply from dangling free..lol   Tiffany as they call me back...my first thought well with no circulation will I stand up and fall from lack of feeling...lol

Driving a new car these days...bought a mini cooper covertible...cute fun small car...however when the top is down and I am driving...from behind you can't see me cause the fronts seats are so tall.  I can imagine what that must look like....hey is this car remote control seeing that no one is in it...lol.  It is a small car...why do we have such tall seats...just wondering..

As you can see in the picture...if your brother is 6'4"ish this is what happens to you...not only this but the good morning wake up call when we are visiting is to hold me down and fart on me...there are no words to express my love for him when he does that but JIMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!  Gotta love brothers...(disclaimer here I love my brothers very much but boys are just gross just sayin lol)

Yesterday while getting Cold Stone with Jay...we walk out of the store with a Fed Ex truck passing right by us in the street...He gives it gas and yep you guessed it diesel exhaust all in my face the first reaction is to say something like wow that stinks...so what doest that mean..just inhaled a whole lot of polution....So not is the world poluted so are my lungs. lol

Anyways just some short humor for the day...

until next time..

Praising God even in the if nots....

We can let our circumstances frame what we know about God's character...or we can let God's character frame our circumstances. ~Heather Zempel

So this has been on my heart for a couple of weeks since the last sermon.  Our church has been doing a sermon on the "IF's" in the bible. Oh man you want to talk about some good stuff.  Two weeks ago Heather was preaching on "if" not faith.  Let me shed some light on what that if not faith looks like to me...We are so easy to praise God in the good times but sadly never during the bad times.  As a society when we get in the bad times should we really praise him? I mean after all why would be praise someone who created us, who knows us from every hair on our body, who knows are thoughts, knows our hearts, provides for us etc...you get the picture. Reading the last two statements seem so obvious OF COURSE we should praise Him seems like a no brainer.  Well I ask you why don't we in all things.  Why is it that our God only get the glory while good things are happening?  Why do we not thank Him for the bad things and thank God as one day that bad will be used for His glory?  Because we (and I am so guilty of this) are so self absorbed in the why me? Why does this happen to me?

Perfect example...we live in DC (as most of you know) and recently moved from Oklahoma.  Oh man let me give a shout out to one of the bible belt states.  I love and miss the freedom of true
"Jesus" talks.  We have been here for the last eight months and man has it been a fight, challenge, depression and lots of tears shed.  In my experience when you pull into DC and start mingling you can feel the oppression here.  People are driven to the next task, blinders full force, and how can I get to know you for who you know.  It is very political here.  People here are not friendly (again this is my opinion)...you generally won't get a hi out of people and most of the time you don't even get eye contact.  It is so super sad.  It is a place of no joy, no peace, and just sadness.  I used to be that girl that would walk into a room and just be like man who can I love on today....people have told me when you walk in you light up the room with that smile etc.  Well for the last several months I have felt so robbed of that joy. That love to share with others, the love to do for others, or the love to even smile. I have always asked God what is my place when we move...always have found that in some nitch or in what I was doing.  For the last 8 months I have been questioning God on that.  I have lost that sense of who I am in God, what I am supposed to be doing for Him etc. I have felt so bound by satan and this oppression.  I have felt very little joy in things and when I mean joy I mean God's joy.  As most of you know I am very tatted with song lyrics, scripture, my foot tatt etc.  Usually that is a means of opening the door for some Jesus talk...not here.  Most people don't notice if you even walk by.  The past two weeks have been very hard in some serious soul searching.  What truly brings me joy? Is it loving on people, doing for others, sewing etc....Well the only answer I know is the joy that God brings me.  I keep hearing for the joy of our Lord is our strength...Have you ever felt weak because of no joy?  Well that is where I have been sitting for a while. After this sermon it hit me like a ton of bricks and has been wrestling with my spirit for a bit.  Why am I not feeling joy? 

Well the answer is simple.  I am choosing to live in the why me state.  The why did you bring me here...God you have to show me...really me telling God he has to do something...now that my friends is funny stuff.  I am sure he is going to jump right up out of that throne and show me because Tiffany Kalin said he has to. Ugh really who am I to tell God what he has to do?  What I do know is this...in scripture is say very clearly....Be careful then how you live-not unwise but wise, making the most out of every opportunity, because the days are evil.  Therefore do not be fools, but understand what the Lord's will is.. Ephesians 5:15-17.  I also know that Satan is out to get us...he is out to steal, kill and destroy..John 10:10 tells us that very clearly.  Lately I have been living unwise. I will not let Satan steal, kill or destroy anything anymore.

I have come to the conclusion (although I have known this in my head but heart knowledge and applying it is two different things) that in some hard times I will praise God but it is of my picking and choosing.  I will praise Him in the bad things as I see fit.  Oh man does that break my heart.  I have a God that sees fit everyday that I get to wake up to see a new day, a God that loves me enough that has sent me a man who is a very Godly man, a wonderful loving husband and father that I have had the blessing to be married to him for 20 years, God loved me enough to entrust me with his creation, our son Hunter...to raise as it now 19 and a God fearing young man almost done with his freshman year of college, I could go on all day with the accounts of how God loves me and what do I do to show him thanks?  I don't praise Him in everything..only what I see fit to. How selfish.  Thankfully God is not that kind of God because with my behavior I deserve nothing more than death.  Oh and a reminder it took God giving his son to die for ME so I don't have death and would
I do that by giving my son for others...ugh utter disgust at the moment with myself.  Thank God for his grace that is for sure.

IF God chooses not to deliver me from this walking aimlessly here in DC not knowing what I am supposed to do then so what, right? I will praise Him continually.  What other choice do I have and why would I want another choice.  What I do know I want is to be God's light again.  To feel His true joy by delighting in Him, by seeking Him, hearing what He has to tell me not what this world has to say, by having joy because of Him and Him alone.  So my choice.... I choose to praise through the if not...will you?

Until next time...