So wow where do I start with this blog. I just watched two-gather from our old church in Oklahoma and was in a devotional book this morning, what God says is amazing. As I watched it (I am so thankful for technology that allows me to watch it and stay somewhat connected) I am reminded what heart and soul is. As we move through life we encounter things that we don't like, things we don't want walk through, things that are not fair, or we have the opposite of how great God is. God gets the glory for all the good things we have walked through but we never give Him the glory for the bad (Romans 11:36 For from Him and through Him and for Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen). We know without a shadow of a doubt all things good and bad will always be used for His glory. May not be in the immediate, two months or ten years down the road but at one point it will be used for HIS good. So reeling that back into my original thoughts.
For the past few months I have been walking in some really dark and hard places. My life as I knew it just changed not overnight but in a 18 year process. Recently Jay and I moved to DC leaving our only child behind to attend college. So in the past few months the roots we planted in Oklahoma have been pulled out and they were deep. When we started pulling the roots up the world around me as I knew it crumbled. I used to love moving and seeing new places...at 38 yep I am over it or at least for this move I was. With leaving I not only left my sweet son to go into this dog eat dog world, but I left a lot of sweet friends. I left a handful of my heart and soul friends. You ask what is my heart and soul friends....well those are my friends that have been there for me without no hesitation. As I watch two-gather today God reminded me why I have them in my life. We as Christians need to do biblical community. We need people in our lives that are with us heart and soul...meaning those handful of people that we do biblical community with do not judge us, that do not throw bad decisions in our face, that do rebuke us when we are wrong as they are supposed to according to (but it is from a loving heart without malice) 2 Timothy 3:16, they walk through us in dark places holding our hands when we can't even see how we are even going to take the next step. I don't know about you but I am so thankful for the reminder of the handful of girls that have been my heart and soul.
I read in Psalms (139:1-16) this morning that God loves us...(paraphrasing) he loves us so much that he specifically created us from every hair on our head to the tip of our toes. He knows everything about us. So I can't help but think of all of my life how he knew exactly who to put in my life good and bad exactly in His timing. When I think about it, it is a lot to take in. Someone loved me enough to bring these people into my life for my well being. How stinking amazing is that.
So for the two years at our last church we have made some phenomenal friends and I have gained some heart and soul sisters in Christ that could not have been more perfect for me. The last six months were hard but the last two have been the hardest and two weeks into this DC move it is still so hard. I have said all of this so much that I am sick of hearing it from my own mouth that I can't imagine what my close friends feel.lol I am mad because I have to leave my kid behind at college, however on a true note I am so proud of my son for going to college like I never did. He could be in jail, addicted to drugs etc...he has a love for God that is so amazing to watch, so with all of that I am truly thankful and blessed. I have stated I don't want to move that I am comfortable here....first mistake saying comfortable...God does NOT want us to be comfortable...that leads to being complancentcy and that in my eyes leads to self rightousness that I am perfect and don't need to grow anymore. That is like a time bomb waiting to go off and a big one that will blow up in your face like no one's business. So to me being comfortable is dangerous...I was comfortable in Oklahoma...life was challenging but I could get by with going to church, seeing everyone and knowing what I had week after week.
So we come to DC and boom the time bomb blows up. I am working through so many feelings. To be quite frank here they are...I DO NOT like not being able to see my son's face or hug him when I could before everyday, I DO NOT like that I have to start over at a new church, I DO NOT like that I have moved to a big city that is busy among busy, and I DO NOT like not having any friends around here or the ones that do live around here are 45 mins to three hours away. That makes for a hard days drive in the traffic...lol
For 18 years (almost 20 years I have been a wife) a mom. Everything that I knew that was normal has been changed. I am still a mom but with a kid that is far away, I am still a wife but now what do I do with all my free time as I have been so busy with church, being a mom, and doing what wives do...cook clean etc. I found my busy life being reduced to nothing to do...nothing that seems to matter. I can clean like no one's business as I love to clean but you can only do so much cleaning before it is all cleaned, I can cook but again you can only cook so much, I found that I have no church to go to and work at, serve at etc. I love to be busy doing what God wants me to do....as I have always known that place before I have no clue what that is now. So those are the dark places I have walked lately.
During those dark walks I have had a handful of friends that have held my hand better yet as the sermon said held my arms up when I could not stand at all. These are the women that texted and called me on the day I drove off and left my (even though he 18) baby boy behind. I drove off know that I only get to hug him during holiday visit etcs...(then God reminds me of my sweet friend who's ex husband 14 1/2 years ago killed her three boys and that she will not get to hug them again until she gets to heaven), she has been a part of holding up my arm.
Another woman who has been a paul in my life, that has invested in me like no one has since Janet Brennan, Amber Tipton, and Shawn Schilling which was when I first came to know Christ. She has been my pillar of strength to lean on when I can't sometimes even hold myself up. She is the ying to my yang as I so sweetly and comically tell her. She will never know the depth of that statement. She has been another person holding my arm up.
Another sweet friend that is so wise beyond her years. I wish at the age of 27 I had it all together like that. She has walked through some dark times although different but understands what a dark hall means. She has been my sounding board of my fits, my angered mouth etc..she lets me rant and rave with whatever comes out of my mouth then lovingly says a prayer and says I am sorry that you are going through this. She has been another person holding my arm up.
Another one who is so much younger than me confided in me things that I was helping her walk through but little did she know that she helped me more than she ever knew. She is amazing, her spunky random self is just what the spice of life should be and everyone should have one of her in there life..lol She is another one that has been holding my arm up.
Another one just recently God brought into my life right before the move and wow we had more in common than I ever thought possible. She is a amazing and she is a military wife so she gets me in a way that most people can't, even though they really try, understand what we go through as military wives. I pray that our paths/bases cross again real soon. She is another one holding my arm up.
Another one through God's divine appointments did I meet on FB through a friends status. I have known this lady who posted the prayer need for years (since our boys where in kindergarten) and she put a post on fb for prayer. God put it on my heart to type out a prayer. I got a message from the lady who said (and don't quote me word for word as my memory is not so good anymore..lol) that prayer was for my husband and I wrote it down and carry it with me. That has created a friendship with someone I have NEVER met face to face (yet) and she has been holding my arm up.
Another one who I met through church that is amazing to me. She is funny and has an amazing personality. We attended a bible study together called Be Transformed and I fell in love with her....She is a what you see is what you get kind of lady. Although we didn't get together that much after they moved but when we did...it was as if we never missed a beat. If was as if when you held unto this friendship things will never change :). She has been a part of holding my arms up.
Okay so you see the pattern here and the list goes on and on....every person at one point in my life has been there to help hold a part of my arm up. Lately these handful of women have been my rocks, my backbone, my heart, my reality, my light when my world has seemed so dark. That is what biblical community does when Two(or more)gather.
Thank you all for the prayers, text messages, comments on fb, messages in fb, boxes in the mail, devotional books, quotes you send me to add to my quote book, and many more things as you will never know what they have meant to me...most importantly thank you for a friendship that is Christ centered. A friendship that I know that I can be exactly like God created me to be but also when I tend to be fleshy that you let me and love me anyways....thank you my heart and soul friends past, present and future..... As I close I am reminded of the tatt on my left wrist...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT unto your own understanding...Proverbs 3:5
until next time