Letting Go....but my heart bursts with joy!

So letting go and letting my heart bursts with joy instead of sadness.  This morning I woke up with this on my heart. As I pour out my heart this will be a long one as it talks about my son so be ready. As I have been sharing it over that past few weeks with people I wanted to put it into words as I did with someone recently.  So in about a month Jay and I will pull away moving to DC as we leave our son behind for college.  As my heart is filled with heart break because that day is soon...God has been truly working on my heart preparing me for that day.  A awesome lady (I did not know, shocking I know I talk to strangers..lol) in a store recently asked me how my day was going...well during that time if you asked me the tears would well up in my eyes and I said good.  She then said are you okay.  I said yes just a hard day.  My husband and I are moving cross country and our son, our only child, will be staying behind for college.  As she so sweetly said I am so sorry but I had to walk in that same thing.  She said I was a single mom and it was just my son and myself for years. During his entire senior year as I was proud of him it was like a gray cloud was looming over my full of sadness and heartbreak. When it was time for him to go to college she said I was a wreck but as we walked with all of his boxes to move him in something hit me. She said some words that changed my perspective, thoughts, and heart. I thank God she did because it changed my life.  When our kids are little we want them to grow up and be good kids.  When our kids are little we want them to do better than we did in life.  When our kids are little we introduce them to God praying that they come to know Him and never stray.  Although those are not the exact words that was her point. Well this is how my thoughts changed..

When Hunter was little I just wanted him to be a good easy kid as I was so young myself and did not know what I was doing.  Through out his life he has had to have eleven surgeries due to tubes, tonsils, adenoids, sinus, appendix etc.  Man we spent more days in the doctors office than we did at home but man that boy was as trooper. Through all those surgeries, bouts with phenmonia, allergies he was the most delightful child and his temper was so laid back...okay he did have his temper tamtrums but very far and few between.  Overall he was a delightful child that wanted to learn.

While Hunter has been growing up he has wanted to be many things as most kids do.  Let me list a few, (I love the ranges of jobs) garbage man because it is cool to get to hang off the back of the truck,  a firefighter because you get to wear a really neat hat,  a policeman because you can carry a gun and have a car with lights,  a nascar driver because Jeff Gordan was awesome at winning every race and had a fast car, just to name a few of them while he was little.  As he got older it was more in depth thoughts of a job, a teacher because you can make a difference, a counselor because it is neat to be able to talk to someone,  a marine, in the army, the air force, tossed the navy around also...we have covered all four branches lol.  I wanted him to know that he could be whatever he wanted to be if he put his mind into it. I knew that I wanted him to go to college and get a education that I never did.

The last point I wanted to touch on was God. When they are little we let them go to church with a friend or we take them depending on where we are in life.  If we want to be in church or if we want to let them go to church with a friend because they like it and we as parents think God could never love us with our mistakes etc. (boy as we know that is far from the truth)  In the military we move a lot but when we moved to Ohio things changed.  We found the best church we had ever stepped foot into at that time. (As I look back God was so faithful in putting the right people with the right church in our lives to feed us at that EXACT moment in our life)  We started going and he loved it.  Then he started AWANAs. That unleashed a only child competitivevess run loose. He started memorizing verses left and right and before you know it his vest was full of pins, patches etc. We had a neighbor named Caitlin (who is now grown and married) that was always at our house and started going to church with us. Man those two were the best of friends depsite several years of difference in age.  Not only did God allow me to watch my child grow to know God but also allowed me to watch her grow.  I look back and man was that a blessing that I am so thankful for. To make a long story short as we moved we were in and out of churches but sowing that seed when he was little was the key. The biggest seed I saw come to life that changed his life was his eighth grade summer at camp. (That was the spring after Jay left for Iraq) so I had him set up for three christian summer camps to attend to keep him busy per say and make time go by past. Well one camp in particular he came home and said God has called me into the ministry. As a mom I was excited but at the same time I knew that we all feel on fire from God when we leave a God driven retreat, event etc. So I had him talk to a youth pastor etc. Well that passed for a while but it kept coming back. For the next couple of years he would drift away from that and would want to do other things military, etc. God kept convicting him as Hunter was very active in the youth group in Virginia. Finally he just said I have a calling on my life from God and I have no choice but to follow and answer it. He started teaching and preaching to that youth group. Man what a blessing to have the ability to go watch him do that. So times goes by we move here...the marines, army and air force were back in the picture as he has always done ROTC and felt a urge to do the military as my father was in, Jay is in, and he felt a burden to carry on a "tradition." As we don't care what he did if he would just make up his mind and not change it every other week..lol Either way whatever he did we would be proud. Well God keeps on calling this kid back to what God has intended for him. As of now he knows he is supposed to be in the ministry and will be attending OU in the fall with a degree in religious studies with intentions to go into the Air Force to either be a chaplain or a logistics officer and do ministry on the side. As we know you do NOT have to be a pastor of a church to minister God's word. So whatever God has military or not Hunter knows as of know what God has called him to do.  God has been so faithful putting the most awesome people around us to pour into Hunter's life. If you have been one of those, thank you from the bottom of this mom's heart.

As we will pull away in 60 plus days leaving our child behind I will leave heart broken to see that my only baby is leaving the house but I leave with something bigger.  When he was a baby I wanted three big things for him.  I wanted him to grow up and be a good kid.  Man did God fulfill that one.  He is an amazing kid.  He truly has never given us any problems other than a messy room, a attitude of you don't know anything as parents, and maybe he speeds sometimes when I am in the car and I have to remind him...WE pay the insurance and this some odd ton car carries a precious package to me and I would like to keep it....he is truly a phenominal kid.  That is nothing that Jay and I have done but that is what God has done through Jay and I, rather it be good times, bad times, mistakes we have made and can truly share that lesson with our son, hoping he can learn from our mistakes. God so graciously put the right people in Hunter's life that have poured into Hunter precisely when he needed it.  He has met a very special girl that God has placed in his life.  I watch my son be a man that wants to be a

I walk away knowing that he is going to college and will get the education that I never did. He can be anything that he wants to be.  For that I am so proud.

I walk away know that God put us in a church that planted a seed for my child to love Him.  I see that everyday in his life.  The loves he has for God is so amazing.  He is so inlove with God and it exudes every part of his being.  I walk away know that the very child God gave me to raise is a child that loves God more than his own life.  I walk away knowing that I gave showed him how a wife should love God first. I walk away knowing that my son has met a very special girl that loves God more than her own life.  I don't know what that future brings between them but I walk away knowing that from watching a special girl love God the way she does he knows what he wants from a wife.  I walk away knowing that he knows how to be that spiritual leader of his family because his dad has been that example for him.  I walk away knowing that the tattoo he has on his back represents God...I know God always has my sons back. I walk away knowing that the very things I wanted for my son have come true.  I walk away knowing that because of God he WILL make a difference in life.  I walk away know my little boy has grown up into a awesome young man.  I walk away witht he reality that he will make mistakes in life but I know that God will be there with him the whole way.

About three months ago I questioned did I do good by my son.  Did I prepare him for the world the best I could.  He never really tells me stuff about me being a mom so I did question it.  This past mothers day I recieved a letter that truly did my heart so good and confirmed that I did do a okay job.  As I share these words please be aware that this is not what I have done but what God has done through me. God gets all that glory.  Mother's day May 2011

Mom,

thank you for everything you do. You truly are an amazing person. I don't know where I would be without you mom.  You have helped me in so many ways. I know I will begin a new journey next and the seperation will be hard.  You truly have made me so strong in God and have always been the rock.  I want you to have the best mother's day ever.  I truly feel this mother's day will be the best one ever. You have become such a woman of God and a role model what I want in a wife.  thank you for all you have done and all the projects you have done for me. Thank you for being there for 18 years of my life and still counting.  I hope this letter can capture how much you truly mean to me.  I love you will all my heart and could not ask for a better mom.  I hope you love your card also. Thanks again mom for all you do.

Your son,

Hunter

So today as I know I will have to let go soon of my baby boy that is now 18 into a dog eat dog world.  To leave him at a college that will start his adult life.  I know that I may be several hundred or thousands of miles away but I know that we have done the best as parents as we knew how to do.  Thank you God for trusting Jay and I to raise a child that means more to you than we can ever know.  So as we start letting go it is hard but my heart bursts with joy!

until next time.

Step back...look at the bigger picture!

Step back...look at the bigger picture....so I am saying step back and look at the bigger picture.  Can you see how God has perfectly orchestrated everything in your life good and bad?

The decisions you make today will determine your memories tomorrow...

Why does God want us to remember? That is the question that was asked to us in today's sermon. Well here is what I got out of it today.

When remember what God's faithfulness was in the past it allows us to trust HIM in the present.  How many things can you look back on and you can see God's faithfulness in it?  I would have to say probably to many to count.  One area that is huge in my life that God has been faithful in showing me that just when I think I got it all down and have learned something...well there is more to learn.   We go through life and we learn lessons.  Sometimes they are so hard to go through and you think what am I supposed to learn from this lesson.  Or do you find yourself saying why did I not learn that lesson 476 times ago..lol  I find myself asking that over and over...does God just sit back and say okay I know you have walked through this already several times but after a few more you will then get it and you will realize why I let you continue in this lesson.  I think each time we go through something over and over we remember plus take something different from each time.  Something that helps us walk through that again or helps us look someone in the face and say I have walked that walk.  I am here to walk that with you and I you truly get that to tell them I get it.  I understand it.  That is when we remember and we think..God has this one just like He had the last one.

When we remember it directs our actions in the future.  If we keep walking in the same path eventually we get tired of it and we will hopefully have different actions the next time we are in it, face with it, walking through it etc.  When we remember all the wrong things we forget the right things (via Sam Roberts Life Church).  Boy that statement is a impactful one.  I don't know what that just spoke to you but how often do we just remember all the wrong stuff?  When we do focus all the wrong how many times does that choke out the right.  Or when you are trying to do right...you think I have always done it wrong why is this time any different.  Well at some point you must remember the right..all though this is redundant it is so true.

How do we remember was the next point...well we write it down.  For me I have a quote book...when I hear awesome life changing quotes I write them down in my book.  I have that book to eventually pass down tid bits of useful information to my grandkids.  Same for your story, testimony, the situation, the time God spoke to you.  In that very instant you will write down that feeling, the words, etc so everytime you start to doubt you read it and remember that VERY moment.  Sam said today in the sermon...a book that you can pass down for generations to come.  You can call it what ever you want...faithfulness of God, the titles can be endless...you have free rain...but don't forget to write it down...that is how we remember. 

The final point was to tell it to others.   Oh my gosh let me say testimonies are the most powerful things to share.  You NEVER know when one, some or all of your testimony can be impacting, a confirmation from God to someone, and life changing moment where someone says God I surrender.  I am not the only person that has walked through this.  It can be something from a loss of someone, a circumstance of life, a survivor of cancer, a person that overcame rape, a abuse (physical, mental, verbal, or sexual) survivor. The possibilties of transformation for you or someone else are endless when you share your story or better yet God's story.

A handful of quotes that I will leave you with are this...

The decisions you make today will determine your memories for tomorrow (as well as generations to come).

Watching how God worked in our past allows us to trust Him in the future.

God always moves on our behalf....

Are you a Peace keeper or a peace maker???

So ask yourself this question...are you a peace keeper or a peace makerYou stumped?  Well let me give you some clarity to see where you fall in this answer.  A peace keeper is a person that will often avoid confrontation.  A peace maker embraces confrontation to make peace. The series we are in at church is called getting past your past.  The first week was breaking the labels that bind us.  The second week forgiving those who hurt you.  The third week was apologizing to those you have hurt.  We have one more week to go and man this series has hit me right between the eyes like a bullet that contained a dose of reality.  Beprepared this is a long one....get a cup of coffee and sit back and enjoy the read.

As most of you know these past few months have been a huge roller coaster (I know who am I kidding as I am a woman with hormones and we are always on a rollercoaster..lol)  So many changes in our lives as a family.  If you don't let me shed some light.  Since February it has been huge milestones.  Jay and I hit 19 years of marriage, our only child turned 18,  Hunter got accepted into OU (University of Oklahoma), we got orders to DC, We hit 19 years in the air force, try to sell our first house we have ever bought (might I add huge attachment to this place), Hunter graduates and we get to leave him behind in August. So in a span of four months life was sent down a path of drastic changes. So you ask why the tanget...hold on getting there.

With the first sermon, breaking the labels that bind us... my name is Tiffany and I am a doormat (that was the fill in blank for me).  I have learned over the years my compassion to truly help people came with a price.  It came with the label of doormat.  Just ask her and she will help you and you get what you want.  After so many times of that and when I truly needed people rather it be with listening or Jay was deployed and I could not do some stuff, no one was ever there or they were to busy.  Over and over starts to leave someone with a bitter taste in there mouth about "friends and people in general." So on the flip side I decided to just depend on me and well that did not go so well.  I starting shutting people out, became very insecure with who I was and became bitter.  To say that, that went over like a lead balloon was a understatement.  The once happy go lucky big personalitied short stature person was a person with no cares. Let me tell you what that landed me...depression, missing the big and little things in life, just plain miserable.  So as I started really looking at things from a Godly perspective what were my motives?  To fit in, to get people to like me, to buy there love, to prove myself worthy...yep.  I knew that I was truly never happy or secure with who I was due to several things...the main thing lacking in a relationship with my father....clarify my heavenly father.  When we truly become open to the fact that we do NOT have to prove ourselves to Him or to anyone else things got better.  I came to a conclusion that HE loves me know matter what.  He loves me in spite of my faults, my motives etc.   When you truly start to "GET IT" and put it into practice everything behind what you do changes.  Your fitting in  becomes I don't want to fit in I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  Another words I want to stand out but in a good way.  So from many years of heartache, selfish motives, or I don't give a crap attitude to know what My God says and feels about me...my name is Tiffany and I am a Girl4God.  Now that does mean I am perfect, nor does that mean that I never have selfish movtives or become insecure with who I am...nope that just means I am human and sweet Jesus that died on the cross for me bridges that gap. Whew that was a mouth full or a blog full but that was the bullet between the eye of the first message.

The second message...well that is another story. Forgiving those who hurt you.  Some of you have heard my tesitmony and some may not have.  Life growing up was not easy and as a adult was not any easier as baggage followed me everywhere I went.  I choose not to go into those details as this time (without the blessing of sharing it from people involved) but it took me lots of years to find out what true forgiveness means.  At the age at 24 we started attending a church that three ladies where key to my starting the forgiveness process.  I will never forget them and have thanked them in my later years for pouring into me. Janet Brennan, Amber Tipton, and Shawn Schilling.  The listened to me, they understood as some of them had first hand experience with it.  The loved me unconditionally.  As mature as I thought I was wow I look back and I so was not.  I was a young mother trying to figure who she was, raise and kid as well as be a wife.  I had only been married for 6years and Hunter was just getting ready to start kindergarten.  I was a basket case.  I had emotions all over the place trying to deal with so many issues.  However these ladies had poured and poured into me.  Janet Brennan said something so profound that I would never forget...she said you are still like a child in a corner calling out for help and no one is listening.   I never understood what the truly meant until I started having a relationship with God.  I would always cry out why me, when will this vicious cycle of the highs and lows go away.  For the next year they worked with me, poured God into me.  After years of dealing with the baggage I truly gave it to God.  Man watch out when you do that.  He will make you deal with it like nobodies business. Well he did.  My past affected my parental skills, my role as a wife.  I did not know how to cope.  When I was 32, Nov of 06 did I get a apology that changed not just my life but someone elses.  I was at that point to look at someone and say I forgave you a long time ago and it is time for you to forgive yourself.  Man that was FREEING!!! From that point on things in my life have been so different.  Although I still have a lot of forgiving to do in other areas I truly know how awesome it feels to forgive and I mean FULLY forgive. Now if I could work on the other 45 million things I need to forgive on..lol    I have a quote that I use that I was so excited when Craig said it last week...when you forgive you set the prisoner free and that prisoner is yourself...oh yeah baby, that my friends is a true statement.

Now onto week three...apologizing to the ones you have hurt.  So that is where you need to fill in the blank are you a peace keeper or peace maker.   The greatest enemy to peacemaking is pride, the greatest friend to peacemaking is humility.  To come to someone and say I have done wrong can you forgive me...requires oneself to be humble.  Humble gets mistaken in a human world as weakness, you might be subject to a haha I told you, you where wrong, and bet you don't ever make that mistake again.  How many times have you heard those words said to you? Over and Over right.  This particular week we had family in for Hunter's graduation and we all went to church.  My dad and stepmom, my mom and step dad,  Jay's mom and stepdad and Aunt Lisa.  It was amazing. My parents have been divorced for 20 years and sadly some forgiving has not happened.  To have all of them together was great but to have all of them together at church with my family was precious. This sermon really made me think of some really tought letters I need to write.  As I sit here I think about how I need to humble myself to some situaions and I pray that God gives me the guidance.

Week four and the last one of the series was getting past your failures.  Although we had a different pastor speak at each experience it was still the same message.  How do we get past our failures?  We got through life looking back at our past mistakes.  Well through the love and accepting Jesus into our hearts we can get past our past.  Our past decisions, mistakes, thoughts, actions etc..you name it God can do it.  In the illustration our sweet Youth Pastor Abraham Wright said...We are like a etch-a-sketch.  You make a mistake shake shake shake you erase it.   With God you make a mistake you ask for forgiveness and shake shake shake it is erase.

Now I don't know what this blog means for you but when it means for me is I do NOT want to be a peace keeper.  I want to be a peace maker even if that means confrontation that might stir up some hard feelings. But in the end with God and seeking Him for his guidance where can it go?  If you are truly seeking God's will it make not go the way we might think but it will go the best way possible...God's way.

I have to ask again...are you a peacemaker or a peacekeeper?

What label binds you and how do you plan on breaking it?

Do you have anyone that you need to forgive and what are you waiting for?

Do you need to ask someone to forgive you?

Do you realize that your past failures make you who you are today and they can truly be left in the past?

Today I am Tiffany and girl4God.  A girl that loves that she has a past because it has made me EXACTLY how God wants me to be today. A girl that loves her husband and son beyond words.  A girl that loves her family so much.  A girl that works and strives hard everyday to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  A girl that wants to be a friend that is remembered for the love of her heart for Jesus.  A girl that has a huge smile and laughs often because we are NEVER promised a tomorrow.  A girl that many joke about being five foot tall (or short lol) but when I worship my Jesus with hands out stretched I feel 10 feet tall and so close to my Savior.  Today I am Tiffany and girl4God...who are you?

until next time....