So letting go and letting my heart bursts with joy instead of sadness. This morning I woke up with this on my heart. As I pour out my heart this will be a long one as it talks about my son so be ready. As I have been sharing it over that past few weeks with people I wanted to put it into words as I did with someone recently. So in about a month Jay and I will pull away moving to DC as we leave our son behind for college. As my heart is filled with heart break because that day is soon...God has been truly working on my heart preparing me for that day. A awesome lady (I did not know, shocking I know I talk to strangers..lol) in a store recently asked me how my day was going...well during that time if you asked me the tears would well up in my eyes and I said good. She then said are you okay. I said yes just a hard day. My husband and I are moving cross country and our son, our only child, will be staying behind for college. As she so sweetly said I am so sorry but I had to walk in that same thing. She said I was a single mom and it was just my son and myself for years. During his entire senior year as I was proud of him it was like a gray cloud was looming over my full of sadness and heartbreak. When it was time for him to go to college she said I was a wreck but as we walked with all of his boxes to move him in something hit me. She said some words that changed my perspective, thoughts, and heart. I thank God she did because it changed my life. When our kids are little we want them to grow up and be good kids. When our kids are little we want them to do better than we did in life. When our kids are little we introduce them to God praying that they come to know Him and never stray. Although those are not the exact words that was her point. Well this is how my thoughts changed..
When Hunter was little I just wanted him to be a good easy kid as I was so young myself and did not know what I was doing. Through out his life he has had to have eleven surgeries due to tubes, tonsils, adenoids, sinus, appendix etc. Man we spent more days in the doctors office than we did at home but man that boy was as trooper. Through all those surgeries, bouts with phenmonia, allergies he was the most delightful child and his temper was so laid back...okay he did have his temper tamtrums but very far and few between. Overall he was a delightful child that wanted to learn.
While Hunter has been growing up he has wanted to be many things as most kids do. Let me list a few, (I love the ranges of jobs) garbage man because it is cool to get to hang off the back of the truck, a firefighter because you get to wear a really neat hat, a policeman because you can carry a gun and have a car with lights, a nascar driver because Jeff Gordan was awesome at winning every race and had a fast car, just to name a few of them while he was little. As he got older it was more in depth thoughts of a job, a teacher because you can make a difference, a counselor because it is neat to be able to talk to someone, a marine, in the army, the air force, tossed the navy around also...we have covered all four branches lol. I wanted him to know that he could be whatever he wanted to be if he put his mind into it. I knew that I wanted him to go to college and get a education that I never did.
The last point I wanted to touch on was God. When they are little we let them go to church with a friend or we take them depending on where we are in life. If we want to be in church or if we want to let them go to church with a friend because they like it and we as parents think God could never love us with our mistakes etc. (boy as we know that is far from the truth) In the military we move a lot but when we moved to Ohio things changed. We found the best church we had ever stepped foot into at that time. (As I look back God was so faithful in putting the right people with the right church in our lives to feed us at that EXACT moment in our life) We started going and he loved it. Then he started AWANAs. That unleashed a only child competitivevess run loose. He started memorizing verses left and right and before you know it his vest was full of pins, patches etc. We had a neighbor named Caitlin (who is now grown and married) that was always at our house and started going to church with us. Man those two were the best of friends depsite several years of difference in age. Not only did God allow me to watch my child grow to know God but also allowed me to watch her grow. I look back and man was that a blessing that I am so thankful for. To make a long story short as we moved we were in and out of churches but sowing that seed when he was little was the key. The biggest seed I saw come to life that changed his life was his eighth grade summer at camp. (That was the spring after Jay left for Iraq) so I had him set up for three christian summer camps to attend to keep him busy per say and make time go by past. Well one camp in particular he came home and said God has called me into the ministry. As a mom I was excited but at the same time I knew that we all feel on fire from God when we leave a God driven retreat, event etc. So I had him talk to a youth pastor etc. Well that passed for a while but it kept coming back. For the next couple of years he would drift away from that and would want to do other things military, etc. God kept convicting him as Hunter was very active in the youth group in Virginia. Finally he just said I have a calling on my life from God and I have no choice but to follow and answer it. He started teaching and preaching to that youth group. Man what a blessing to have the ability to go watch him do that. So times goes by we move here...the marines, army and air force were back in the picture as he has always done ROTC and felt a urge to do the military as my father was in, Jay is in, and he felt a burden to carry on a "tradition." As we don't care what he did if he would just make up his mind and not change it every other week..lol Either way whatever he did we would be proud. Well God keeps on calling this kid back to what God has intended for him. As of now he knows he is supposed to be in the ministry and will be attending OU in the fall with a degree in religious studies with intentions to go into the Air Force to either be a chaplain or a logistics officer and do ministry on the side. As we know you do NOT have to be a pastor of a church to minister God's word. So whatever God has military or not Hunter knows as of know what God has called him to do. God has been so faithful putting the most awesome people around us to pour into Hunter's life. If you have been one of those, thank you from the bottom of this mom's heart.
As we will pull away in 60 plus days leaving our child behind I will leave heart broken to see that my only baby is leaving the house but I leave with something bigger. When he was a baby I wanted three big things for him. I wanted him to grow up and be a good kid. Man did God fulfill that one. He is an amazing kid. He truly has never given us any problems other than a messy room, a attitude of you don't know anything as parents, and maybe he speeds sometimes when I am in the car and I have to remind him...WE pay the insurance and this some odd ton car carries a precious package to me and I would like to keep it....he is truly a phenominal kid. That is nothing that Jay and I have done but that is what God has done through Jay and I, rather it be good times, bad times, mistakes we have made and can truly share that lesson with our son, hoping he can learn from our mistakes. God so graciously put the right people in Hunter's life that have poured into Hunter precisely when he needed it. He has met a very special girl that God has placed in his life. I watch my son be a man that wants to be a
I walk away knowing that he is going to college and will get the education that I never did. He can be anything that he wants to be. For that I am so proud.
I walk away know that God put us in a church that planted a seed for my child to love Him. I see that everyday in his life. The loves he has for God is so amazing. He is so inlove with God and it exudes every part of his being. I walk away know that the very child God gave me to raise is a child that loves God more than his own life. I walk away knowing that I gave showed him how a wife should love God first. I walk away knowing that my son has met a very special girl that loves God more than her own life. I don't know what that future brings between them but I walk away knowing that from watching a special girl love God the way she does he knows what he wants from a wife. I walk away knowing that he knows how to be that spiritual leader of his family because his dad has been that example for him. I walk away knowing that the tattoo he has on his back represents God...I know God always has my sons back. I walk away knowing that the very things I wanted for my son have come true. I walk away knowing that because of God he WILL make a difference in life. I walk away know my little boy has grown up into a awesome young man. I walk away witht he reality that he will make mistakes in life but I know that God will be there with him the whole way.
About three months ago I questioned did I do good by my son. Did I prepare him for the world the best I could. He never really tells me stuff about me being a mom so I did question it. This past mothers day I recieved a letter that truly did my heart so good and confirmed that I did do a okay job. As I share these words please be aware that this is not what I have done but what God has done through me. God gets all that glory. Mother's day May 2011
thank you for everything you do. You truly are an amazing person. I don't know where I would be without you mom. You have helped me in so many ways. I know I will begin a new journey next and the seperation will be hard. You truly have made me so strong in God and have always been the rock. I want you to have the best mother's day ever. I truly feel this mother's day will be the best one ever. You have become such a woman of God and a role model what I want in a wife. thank you for all you have done and all the projects you have done for me. Thank you for being there for 18 years of my life and still counting. I hope this letter can capture how much you truly mean to me. I love you will all my heart and could not ask for a better mom. I hope you love your card also. Thanks again mom for all you do.
So today as I know I will have to let go soon of my baby boy that is now 18 into a dog eat dog world. To leave him at a college that will start his adult life. I know that I may be several hundred or thousands of miles away but I know that we have done the best as parents as we knew how to do. Thank you God for trusting Jay and I to raise a child that means more to you than we can ever know. So as we start letting go it is hard but my heart bursts with joy!
until next time.