Self Sabotage....why do we do it?
That has been a question I have struggled with for years and the answer always varies for each person. It can be shopping, food, anxiety, questionable thoughts, fears, prescription meds, a whole host of other things, ways, or events.
If I was to ask you what do you use as your sabatage...what would your answer be?? If I was to ask you why you self sabotage? What are the reasons...defeat, abuse, failed marriages, rejection, acceptance, and the list goes on...However the things that you use to cover the pain of whatever you have not dealt with...it will just manifest in a different way of sabotage unless you fully deal with the underlying issue. That may be in way of counseling, biblical community, etc....make sure that it is a place that truly wants to help you get through it and be better at the end.
Two big things that come to mind is food and shopping. A pattern that was set for me was when things go bad we go shop to make it feel better. At first a pack of gum would make me happy for a bit, then the thing that made me happy got bigger and bigger, purse, shopping spree for clothes etc. It was a happy high that lasted for a while until I would balance the check book and BOOM here comes the after math. The head held low as I tell my spouse there is nothing left in the checkbook because I spent it all. I did that to solely deal with my emotions. After years of this pattern I still struggle with it not near as often but my husband said to ask is this a need or a want. That truly helps keep me in check to make sure that I am not finding my "happiness" in stuff.
The next thing I try to find comfort is in food. Oh wow does that chocolate brownie look good, so good I will eat three. Wow did I really eat that whole bag of chips, wake up in the morning to find wrappers on the floor next to your bed, eat everything in the cabinet because that is the comfort. When things go bad we run to food. As most americans we all struggle with some self image flaw. So this vicious circle never stops. I am unhappy with the way I look so gee let me go eat everything in the cabinet...nothing sastified me but dang it I just ate a million calories so yep here comes the weight. I don't know about you but that doesn't make much sense but we do it anyways. For years I have suffered from insomnia...sleeping maybe fours hours a night with meds, I would be up in the middle of the night by myself and eat everything that I could get my hands on. The next morning I would get up know I ate it in a fog but then go to throw something away and yep there sits all the evidence. What happens then....well the comfort food was never a comfort and now I look into the trash can and it verifies that the vicious circle never has stopped.
So with all of this being said...over the years (even though I STILL struggle with this stuff time to time) I have come to know that my comfort in not in STUFF but in God. I know that in my heart of hearts He is a GOD that loves me in spite of my weight, my shopping habits, etc. The fact that my God knew me before I was born, knows every detail down to the last hair on my body is amazing. He is bigger than the defeat, abuse, failed marriages, rejection, acceptance, and the list goes on. Why would I not want to find comfort in someone who is not judgemental, who truly loves me for me. Can you think of a reason not to?
How do I handle it do you want to know...when I get ready to go shopping I truly hear my husband saying is that a want or a need (for accountability...although I try to hit the mute button when it is a cute purse or clothes haha) but God gave me something bigger than that. He gives me the right to tell the devil off....so I plainly in my head say Satan you do not get victory over this. My God gets this victory so on that note you can go right back to hell where you belong. That my friends is what brings me comfort. Although I still struggle with those things I truly can say that most of the time and walk away.
When I do mess up I am reminded that I have a God that loves me like no other and He has forgiven me so I need to forgive myself and move past it...don't dwell in it or it will eat you alive. Stop that vicious circle before it begins again.
until next time....